"He was only a Chocolate Chip Cookie,
but I loved him..."
I met him at a party. There he was at the end of the buffet... a loner, the last one on the plate. He had a certain something... a sweetness, a sensuality. He was one hot cookie.I felt as if I'd always known him, always hungered for him. When he looked at me with those warm brown eyes, I melted. Before I knew it, I had my hands on him, my mouth on him...and in public! After that night, we were inseparable.
With him, I could be myself. He didn't seem to care what mood I was in, how I looked, or even if I gained weight. Together, we had the recipe for happiness. No one satisfied me like Chip!
Then things changed. My friends said he was no good for me. He started to give me heartburn. I felt crummy, but I knew then it had to end.
Now we've gone our separate ways. I hardly think of him anymore. Oh, If I see a certain TV Commercial, a particular magazine ad, a coupon for 10 cents off... that old longing returns. And when we run into each other in the supermarket, we nod. We're friendly. But it's over.
Why is it that.......
*... we drive on 'parkways' and park on 'driveways'?
I was thinking.....
..... about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about....... making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust."
I have found at my age..... going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
I was thinking about........ how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me -
they were cramming for their finals!
You know...... when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?"
Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
I've thought about..... those employment applications and that blank that always ask who is to be
notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write ...A Good Doctor!
I've always wondered why they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do.. . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
I thought about being rich...... and it doesn't mean so much. Just look at Henry Ford,
all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!
If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?
I wonder - what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?
I wonder - if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came
from!"
I've decided - that Nostalgia is the VCR of our minds.
I've noticed - when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you put him in a car he sticks his head out the window!
Also: you have to fight to give a dog a bath, yet they'll sit out in the rain for hours on end.
I'm not into working out! my philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Have you ever noticed.... anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going
faster than you is a maniac?
I think the reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
And I'm desperately trying to figure out........... why kamikaze pilots wore helmets????
* ..."phonetic" isn't spelled the way it sounds?
*...there are 'interstate highways' in Hawaii???
*...they put braille dots on the keypad at drive-up ATM's??
*...when you're driving and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?
(Don't you ever wonder about stuff like that???)
.....that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
Dam!
What do prisoner use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours"
Nacho Cheese!!
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk!
Why are so many "Smith's" in the phone book?
They all have phones!
Hello, you have reached the ____________Police Department Voice Mail.
Pay close attention as we have to update the choices often as new and unusual circumstances arrive. Please select one of the following options:* To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem you created for yourself... press 1.
* To postulate whether someone has to die before we'll do something about a problem... press 2.
* To report an officer for bad manners when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe... press 3.
*If you would like us to raise your children... press 4.
*If you would like us to take control of your life due to your alcoholic or chemical dependency... press 5.
* If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate... press 6.
* To provide a list of police officers you personally know so we will not take enforcement action against you... press 7.
*To sue us, tell us you'll have our badge, and how you pay our salary, or proclaim our career is over... press 8.
* To hear this menu again, wrap aluminum foil around your head and turn around three times.
Written by my best buddy, "Chris"
"My Get Up and Go Has Got Up and Went"
How do I know that my youth is all spent?
My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But in spite of it all I am able to grin
When I think of where my "get-up" has been!
Old age is golden, so I have heard said,
Yet I sometimes wonder when I get out of bed...
with my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
my eyes on the table until I wake up.
As sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself...
"Is there anything else I should leave on the shelf?"
But I'm happy to say as I close my door,
My friends are the same - perhaps even more.
When I was young, my slippers were red,
I would kick my heels right over my head!
As I grew older, my slippers were blue...
Still, I could dance the whole evening through.
Now I am older, my slippers are black...
I walk to the store and puff my way back!
The reason I know my youth is all spent...
My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!!
But I really don't mind, I think with a grin
Of all the grand places my "get-up" has been!
Since I have retired from life's competition
I busy myself with life's repetition.
I get up each morning and dust off my wits...
Pick up the paper and read the "Obits".
If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
"Face in the Mirror"
The face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn...
The house isn't dirty, the cobwebs are gone!
My garden looks lovely, and so does the lawn...
I think I might never put my glasses back on!
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom
To hide the bodies of those people
I had to wipe out today because
they ticked me off.
And also...
Help me to be careful
Of the toes I step on today as they
May be connected to the butt
That I might have to kiss tomorrow.
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Friday
And remember ..........
When you're having a really bad day and it seems like
people are trying to tick you off, remember it takes 42
muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your middle finger.
Now get back to work..!!
"What's Your Sign......??"
* On Electrician's Truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
* Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best Place In Town To Take A Leak." * In a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking, we'll assume you're on fire and take the appropriate action!"
* On a Maternity Room Door: "Push - Push - Push!"
* On a Front Door: "Everyone here is a vegetarian ~ except the dog!"
* In an Optomestrist's Office: "If you don't see what you want - you're in the right place!"
* In a Podiatrist's Window: "Time wounds all heels."
* On a Scientist's Door: "Gone Fission"
* On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
*In a Restaurant Window: "Don't stand out there and be hungry, come in and get fed up!"
* In a Bakery Window: "Get your buns in here!"
* Outside a Hotel: "Help Wanted - We need Inn-experienced people."
* Sign on a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
* Electric Company: "We'll be delighted if you pay your bill, and if you don't - you will be!"
* At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a car payment."
* In a Butcher Shop Window: "Let us meat your needs."
* Used Car Lot: "Second Hand Cars in First Crash Condition!"
* Veterinarian's Waiting Room: "Be With You Shortly.... Sit, Stay!"